ACT 1 – The Lobby at EUWC Headquarters
[Sean Taylor is happy as he strolls into the lobby at EUWC headquarters.]
Taylor: Guess what folks? I just got me NEW BOOTS!!!
[Taylor looks around for the ‘awe’ but finds no reaction as Cobris Grayson making an enormous sandwich, Nero playing video games, Lord Alucard meditating while hanging up-side-down and Classy Mike C.]
Taylor: Oh Come ON! It’s me Sean Taylor, not Classy Mike C!
Mike: HEY! Nobody around here cares if you do get new boots Taylor! Besides, black is so last century.
Taylor: But, don’t you get it? This has been the most wildest thing I’ve ever done. Sure I’m a former Undisputed Greatest Double Champion of all time and have a history of shenanigans. But I just saw these new boots and thought “hmmm, do I dare change my wrestling attire after all these years.” That impulse was just wild enough to get my blood rushing and I just got them! Man that feels good.
Mike: So, what you’re saying is that since your life is so monotonous with the same old stuff that you do pretty much every day, minus any form of excitement at all… THIS is the most exciting thing you’ve ever done?
Taylor: Uhhh…
Mike: Yup, that’s sums it about right.
Taylor: What the… you don’t specialize in put-downs!
Mike: There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me. For example…
Taylor: You’re British! That’s all there is.
[Mike opens his mouth, but falls silent in a few seconds. Just then, Matt Pickstock enters the room.]
Matt: Well hello there everyone.
[Taylor and Mike look surprised that Matt looks pretty old and frail, while the rest of the group still pays no attention.]
Taylor: Whoa, Matt… You don’t look too good. What the hell?
Matt: Yes well, this is what I wanted to talk to you about in private.
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ACT 2 – Matt Pickstock’s Office
Matt: So like I was saying, I’ve tried hiding it for a while…
Taylor: That you’re an idiot!
Matt: NO! NOT NOW! That’ll have to wait. The fact is, I’m about to leave this mortal coil soon, and I want to leave the EUWC to someone competent who can keep all the cogs moving. And since you’re the most organized…
Taylor: Why thank you…
Matt: read, BORING person on the entire roster, I’ve decided to leave you in charge.
Taylor: Wait just a minute! Are you saying you’re giving me the company because I’m boring?
Matt: True, let’s face it. Nero wouldn’t take it seriously; no one would take Classy seriously. AOD [shudders] do the words “LCW” mean anything?
Taylor: [shudders]
Matt: And Alucard’s TOO boring. So I’m playing it safe with you, since you’re just the right amount of boring.
Taylor: HELLO! NEW BOOTS!
Matt: Yes, shiny. So anyways Taylor, you’ll now take over my place. Cause you’re completely boring…
[Taylor getting angry]
And stagnant…
[Angrier]
And completely un-impulsive…
[Taylor gets a villainous look on his face and stabs Matt Pickstock in the heart with a nearby flagpole]
Matt: *ARGH* You’ve killed me! Oh, you’ve killed me!
Taylor: *GASP* Oh God, what have I done?
Matt: I just told you! You’ve killed me!
Taylor: Okay, don’t panic! I can get rid of the body and no one would ever know.
Matt: Maybe, if you call 911…
Taylor: DIE!!! [Taylor wrings the pole again till Matt finally dies out.]
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ACT 3 – Back in the Lobby
[Sean Taylor, looking frightened as hell, re-enters the lobby as the scene is pretty much the same. He gets frightened at the sound of Grayson burping after he gobbled up the entire sandwich. ]
Alucard: [Still hanging up-side-down and meditating] You look troubled, Sean.
Taylor: WHAT? No, no of course not! Why? What have you heard?
[Just then, AOD comes running into the lobby…]
AOD: Guys, Matt Pickstock has been murdered in his office.
Taylor: Murdered? [Sweating] no it can’t be!
AOD: Yeah, someone impaled him with a flagpole. Simply beautiful execution.
Nero: Shouldn’t you call 911 or something?
AOD: And get rid of the beautifully murdered corpse? What are you, a mor…
Alucard: Better not finish THAT sentence.
Nero: Well I’m calling someone. The last thing I need is Matt dead and me out of my fringe benefits contract.
[Nero leaves the lobby calling someone on his phone.]
Mike: Murdered you say? Well this looks like a mystery for me. Classy Mike C is on the case! [pulls out and wears a Sherlock Holmes type hat].
Taylor: Where did you pull that out of?
Mike: From my invisible backpack, what do you care?!
Grayson: hehe, invisible “backpack”
[Meanwhile, back in Matt’s office, AOD and Taylor are looking for clues.]
AOD: This is interesting, according to Matt’s scheduler, he was last scheduled to meet… oh my… YOU! It was YOU wasn’t it!?
Taylor: Oh God, yes it was me! I don’t know what came over me!
AOD: Well yes, I didn’t think you had it in you. The precision with which you stabbed him required really good knowledge of the human anatomy.
Taylor: Uh, thanks?
AOD: Of course, if it was me, I would have been more adventurous…
Taylor: Oh yeah? WELL ADVENTURE THIS!
[Taylor stabs AOD with a sword]
AOD: *AGH* Where did you… get that… sword?
Taylor: I don’t know… Matt leaves a lot of useless junk around here.
AOD: Is that… the best you could do…
[Taylor gets another evil look on his face.]
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ACT 4 – The Jobber Pit
[No literally, there’s a pit full of jobbers in EUWC headquarters. Mike C is asking questions while sounds of AOD crying in pain can be heard.]
AOD: What are you hacking off? Is it my torso?!
*hacking sound*
AOD: It is! My precious torso! A little lower please.
*hacking sound*
AOD: Yeah, that’s the stuff!
Mike: Okay, random jobbers. I’m going to get to the bottom of this mystery if it’s the last thing I do. So which one of you did it? Was it Random Jobber # 2!?
Random Jobbers: *raspberry*
Mike: What was that? Could you spell that please?
[In the kitchen, Taylor is trying to dispose off pieces of AOD’s body through the garbage disposal when Nero walks in to get a beer from the fridge.]
Nero: Yo bookbrain, really bad news, Matt gettin’ killed and all. Now it looks like AOD’s dead too, FINALLY! Anyways, I got off the phone with my agent and… [at last notices the body parts] Oh God Taylor, what ARE you doing!?
[Taylor looks worried]
Nero: You’re supposed to add acid while getting rid of so much waste!
Taylor: Oh God yes, I did it, I don’t know what… wait, what? You know? And you’re helping me?
Nero: Yeah I figured, you and me can stick together and we’ll make it out of this, so long as it’s “worth my time”.
Taylor: Are you trying to blackmail me?
Nero: Whoa, no need to get racist…
[Taylor’s heard enough and hits him with the Bloodrush on the concrete, shattering Nero’s skull!]
Nero: Well, this is it. Time for me to bid farewell. Just wanted to say to all… “So LONG SUCKERS! DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF AFTER I’M GONE!”
[Nero dies.]
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ACT 5 – Night in the Lobby
[The remaining people: Sean Taylor, Lord Alucard, Cobris Grayson and an unknown person are sitting on sofas while Mike C is giving them a briefing of the investigation.]
Mike: I’d like to thank all of you for coming. All of you are key pieces in this case.
Taylor: [points to the unknown person] Who’s he?
Scruffy: Scruffy, the janitor.
Taylor: Well, where have you been all day?
Scruffy: Cleaning out the garbage disposal. You won’t believe the kind of stuff people put in there.
Taylor: *gulp*
Mike: My suspicions were first aroused when Matt and Taylor first went into their office.
Scruffy: Had to clean that up too.
Grayson: hehe, ‘aroused’.
Taylor: Excuse me a moment…
Mike: While later on AOD entered the lobby gloating on the beauty of Matt’s execution…
[Suddenly the lights go out, and when they come back on, Scruffy has been impaled with his own broomstick. Taylor jumps back to his sofa while Grayson looks shocked!]
Mike: Later I noticed that the PS3 was on pause for at least 10 minutes. Unpausing it revealed STEALTH about to deliver a powerbomb to Hawkeye, which meant Nero had run off somewhere…
Grayson: Ooooh, oooh, [pointing at Taylor]
Mike: Don’t interrupt Grayson! So like I was saying…
[Suddenly the lights go out again, and when they come back on, Cobris Grayson has also been impaled with the same broomstick as Scruffy. Taylor jumps back to his sofa while Mike continues.]
Mike: So naturally, the end result of all my investigations led to the most logical conclusion: THIS CRIME IS UNSOLVEABLE!!!
[Just then, Mike’s PDA rings as he pulls it out to check his email]
Mike: Ah, it’s a post-timed message from my good friend Nero. I’ll read it: “Dear Jerky Mike C, if you get this, it means I’m gone, and I’ll confess that it was indeed I spamming your account all this time. Anyways, this last email will tell you that…” oh no… the killer, it cant be… I never realized… its… its…
Alucard: *yawn* You’re boring Mike, and coming from ME, the king of boring, that has to be embarrassing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go back to doing whatever it is I do.
Taylor: Could you turn off the lights on your way out?
[Alucard leaves while Taylor gets the same evil look on his face].
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THE END…. OR IS IT???
The Happenstance Journal 