Scene from Chapter 9

(In a conference room, Paul Doom, Holocaust and Vince McMahon are sitting at a table where all three are displeased of the N.W.O.)

Vince: I don’t know why the fact that Wrestlemania being just 15 hours away is supposed to scare me. All we need right now is good protection. Doom, get the APA.

Doom: I’m afraid that’s not possible sir.

Vince: HOW DARE YOU DISAGREE WITH ME! I’M VINCE MCMAHON DAMMIT!

Doom: Well, you did fire Farooq, and then Bradshaw turned into JBL, a stock market success who’s rich and comes out to the ring in a limo.

Vince: Bradshaw in a limo?! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DEBACLE!!!

Doom: I think it was the writers…

Vince: WHAT WRITERS!!!

[A cloud of thought appears over Paul Doom’s head where he sees I.R. Baboon writing something on a log. Another cloud appears over Vince as he sees Paul Heyman being cooked in a cauldron and Vince rubbing his hands. A dark cloud appears over Holocaust as he looks a bit irate over the discussion till…]

Holocaust: Oh, WHO CARES!? WHO THE FU—CARES?! WHAT MATTERS IS THOSE INGRATES NEED TO BE STOPPED IMMEDIATELY!

Vince: Whoa settle down. You need to keep it cool in situations like this.

Holocaust: But you’re yelling at practically everyone and the bathroom floor every time you have a problem!

Vince: Well that never solves anything, we need to deal with the problem in a rational manner.

Holocaust: Oh this is rich [under his breath] Vince McMahon talking logic.

Vince: Huh?

Holocaust: Oh nothing.

Vince: What we could do is take out the league members one by one.

Doom: That’s a great idea! And do you know who you should go for first? That rotten Alucard!

Holocaust: [pissed] Oh great, here we go again…

Doom: No really, Alucard IS our biggest threat. Wanna know why? Because…

Holocaust: Here it comes…

Doom: …Alucard is THE DEVIL!

Vince: Really? WOW, never thought of it that way.

Holocaust: Now Paul, like I told you 8 times already…

Doom: But this time I have a way to be sure. Wait up a bit…

[Doom gets up and heads for something covered in a sheet. Doom takes off the sheet and it reveals some kind of souped-up electric chair.]

Doom: This is the special electric chair that I developed myself. Once I have Alucard strapped in and throw the switch, it’ll send thousands of volts of electricity into him that’ll show the truth once and for all. If he survives, HE’S THE DEVIL! If not, I HAVE TENURE!

Holocaust: Yes, incredibly fascinating. HAVOC, MALICE! [Havoc and Malice enter the room] Destroy that repulsive machine.

[As instructed, Havoc and Malice proceed to tear apart the chair as Doom just watches helplessly.]

Doom: I…spent…money I got from leave encashment on this.

Holocaust: You had your leaves encashed? When did you NOT have days off?

Doom: Look I may not have appeared on Mainframe every now and then, but that doesn’t mean…

Vince: Wow, this has been fun. I even forgot about what was it that we were concerned for.

Doom: We were actually talking about JBL in a limo.

Vince: Oh yeah, that. I need to be on Smack down more often. I remember the last time I was there, when I BURIED THE UNDERTAKER ALIVE!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Holocaust: I believe it was Kane.

Vince: No, it was definitely Taker. Kane was up there with me as we were laughing maniacally. (Sigh) Good times, good times….

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Scene from Chapter 11

[In the hall for Vince McMahon’s Talent Search, after Jay Smash reveals/squeals to everyone that a league member is present in the building, Nero, in disguise, tries to convince everyone else he isn’t. Just then, a person brings a huge cake on the stage in a trolley.]

Nero: WOW! That’s a big cake!

Vince: Well, what have we here? I guess we can all take a little break and after which, we’ll get down to some serious talent searching. We’ll find the league member along the way. In the meantime, let’s enjoy this fabulous cake. Oh and during the break, if any of you suspect someone to be a league member, tell me or Mr. Holocaust or Mr. Doom immediately. If I find any one of you that’s keeping a secret, you’ll be sorry you did. For I am Vincent Kennedy McMahon! I OWN WRESTLING! I KILLED TED TURNER! No superstar has had the guts to stand up to me. Not Hogan, Not Austin, Not Foley, Not even The Undertaker…

[Just then the cake lid pops open but instead of the league, Randy Orton comes out and does his trademark pose.]

Randy: YOU’RE MINE TAKER…AW CRAP! That idiot Kane brought me in the wrong hall!!!

Nero: What the f–?

Vince: WHAT’S GOING ON IN HERE, I’M VINCE MCMAHON DAMMIT!

[On cue, the league barge in through the auditorium door and get on the stage.]

Nero: What the hell is going on here? And what took you guys so long?!

Taylor: Well, Orton stole the cake. And besides, you told us to wait till Vince said his line.

Nero: Alright then, Orton. What took YOU so long?!

Randy: I was waiting for someone to say “The Undertaker.” Besides, I’m Randy Orton. So sue me!

Nero: How could Orton possibly steal the cake? Alucard was guarding it wasn’t he?

Alucard: To tell you the truth Nero, I could care less about that infernal cake!

Taylor: So Orton, you wanted to catch Taker by surprise?

Randy: Yeah, just softening him up before my match at Wrestlemania. You gotta admit, that would have made for one near-heart attack.

Taylor: Whoa, hang on. Dude, this isn’t sports entertainment right now. You don’t have to follow and one-up Taker every waking moment.

Randy: What are you talking about?

Taylor: Hello? Sports entertainment? Wrestling? You entertain a crowd, do some matches, insult a couple of people, million dollar contracts.

Randy: You’re not making any sense. All I know is that I’m Randy Orton [sniffs the air] Legend……Killer. And I’ve accomplished killing legends, which will include Undertaker after tonight. What else do you expect me to do?

Taylor: Well…do the things you do after the show ends.

Randy: Well, after I took out Taker, I just went backstage and…I dunno, I guess they put me…back in… the box…?

Taylor: Riiiiiiiighht.

Nero: You mean you have no real life outside of WWE?

Randy: Real…life…wha–? What are they talking about Uncle Vince?

Vince: [wiping sweat] Uhhhh…that’s Vincent Kennedy McMahon to you!

Randy: Yes sir.

Classy: [after crying over the ruined cake] My beautiful cake! You’ll pay for this Orton!

Randy: Who the hell said that? Hey wait! You’re not that legendary unnoticeable guy, are you?

Classy: Me? Legendary? WOW! Oh wait…

[Randy listens intently for Classy’s voice source and RKO’s Classy]

Nero: You know you made up that whole ‘legendary’ unnoticeable guy crap, didn’t you?

Randy: You’re annoying me dude! I could RKO you too you know…

Nero: That’s actually my move pretty boy. And it’s called the Buzzcutter. RKO, PUH-lease!

Randy: On second thought…

[Randy then promptly RKO’s Nero, whose glasses and moustache comes off with the impact.]

Randy: BAM!

Nero: [down] Damn! My…entertaining….wrestling career…is over.

Taylor: Nah! You’re just saying that to make everyone feel happy.

Nero: Seriously, my time…is running…out.

Taylor: Oh really, my watch must be slow.

Alucard: Somehow, that would be the only Randy Orton moment I found entertaining.

Randy: Oh yeah? I could RKO you too…but hey wait, Kane warned me about you!

Alucard: I’m sure he did in another backstage altercation. You do realize he sexually assaulted Lita like that too.

Randy: Uh yeah, I did see that happen one time before they closed the lid on the box. Oh well, later. [Randy leaves]

Taylor: [to Alucard] You DO know that kid’s been brainwashed.

Alucard: I guess it wouldn’t work any other way. How incredibly underhanded and obnoxiously evil. Just the way I would like it. My compliments to the artist.

Vince: Aw geez, it was nothing.

Holocaust: AHEM!

Vince: Huh, wha–? OH MY GOD! It’s Nero! It was Nero all along!

Holocaust: [sarcastically] Yes, the fake moustache and glasses had all of us fooled.

Nero: [getting up] Now wait just a minute. I may look like The Great and Almighty Nero…

Taylor: Poor guy.

Nero: …but there is no way you can prove that I’m Nero. Face it; you’ll need concrete evidence to prove I’m Nero.

[Just then, Jay Smash comes on stage.]

Jay Smash: THERE HE IS! THAT’S HIM! NERO! HE WAS IN DISGUISE WITH THAT FAKE MOUSTACHE AND GLASSES! IT’S HIM, NERO! GET HIM!

Doom: The Squealer’s word is concrete evidence enough.

[Funaki also walks into the room.]

Funaki: Indeed!

[Silence as everyone just stares blankly at Funaki with no reaction, prompting Funaki to just drop his shoulders in sadness and walk away.]

Nero: That’s it! I’m gonna get you squealer!

[Nero charges towards Smash but then he just falls over something and its…yes, Classy Mike C]

Nero: Okay, is it so much to ask to get the unnoticeable guy OUT of my way before I run. Everyone knows I’m NOT gonna notice him lying there.

Classy: *sigh* If only things were different. Maybe after I become World Heavyweight Champion…

Taylor: Heh, like that’s gonna happen.

[A cloud of darkness comes over Classy as he stares at Taylor with rage for a moment and goes into self-thought]

Classy: Let it be known, that from this day, till the end of days, I will not rest till I DESTROY Sean Taylor and take the World Heavyweight Championship from him!

Jay Smash: FUTURE WORLD TITLE FUED! I’m Callin it! SQUEALER BABY!!!!

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2nd Scene from Chapter 7

Nero: One of these days Sean, BAM!!! Straight to the pit of undercard hell!!!

Taylor: Dream on fuzzball. So how do we contact this squealer?

Classy: Well, I do have his phone number. (Pulls out a card from his wallet) I was gonna call him to ask if there was a push lined up for me in the future…

Nero: (snatches card from Classy.) That can wait!

Classy: Oh sure, hold down the unnoticeable guy!

Nero: Whatever.

[Nero takes out his cell phone and dials the number. He puts it on his ear and a split screen appears of Nero on one side and a man in a dark room on the other]

Jay Smash: “Operator….. Yes, this is The Squealer……… Actually I’m JAY SMASH! I’M THE SQUEALER! ME ME! I SHOULDN’T BE TELLING YOU MY seceret identification, BUT I CAN’T HELP IT, I SQUEAL!!! And when I squeal I just squeal some more! SQUEALY SQUEALY BEE is what you can call me. I rhymed, did you hear that, I rhymed. So where did you go? I’m ready for the squealin’. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Nero: Uh…could you hold on for a second… (puts phone on the hold mode) Classy…

Classy: Yes?

Nero: The squealer, its Jay Smash!

Taylor, Classy and Alucard: GASP!

Classy: But how can you tell?

Nero: Well, first he went in a monotone voice “This is The Squealer…” and then he goes “Actually I’m JAY SMASH! I’M THE SQUEALER! ME ME! I SHOULDN’T BE TELLING YOU MY SECRET ID, BUT I CANT HELP IT, I SQUEAL!!!” Blah blah. He just kept going on and on.

Taylor: Well, talk to him, see what you can find out.

Nero: You’re kidding right. Why don’t any of you guys talk to him?

Taylor, Classy and Alucard: NO NO NO NO…!!!

Nero: (sigh) This sucks (talking on phone) Hello Jay. Howya doin?

Jay Smash: Oh there you are, I’m just super!

Nero: How’s the squealing goin?

Smash: Squealing is good, I’m having a great time.

Nero: Uh huh.

Smash: I just completed a nice little adventure story of my days as a sqealer.

Nero: Uh huh

Smash: It should be out on secret bookstands everywhere to squeal throughout the world with what I know.

Nero: Listen, SHUT UP for a second.

Smash: Ok…. *waits a second* So I’m calling the book Me, myself, and I… The squealer. I was thinking more like Jay Smash and the Amazing Technicolor book about Squealing.. but….

Nero: [pissed] Okay a minute!

Smash: Oh… all right….. go on…

Nero: Listen, I need you to tell me where Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are hiding my BEAUTIFUL WAGON!!!

Smash: Well, you see. You first must look inside yourself and see the true meaning of why you are doing this in the first place. I would ask you slap yourself in the face, but nobody ever does.

Nero: Yeah, not gonna happen here either.

Smash: Ok, so have you ever heard of a place called…. the AMPITHEATRE?

Nero: Yeah

Smash: Well good….. in that case, they are hiding at a junkyard by the ampitheatre?

Nero: Okay.

Smash: Got it?

Nero: Yeah I got it.

Smash: It’s just a couple blocks away.

Nero: Yeah I know.

Smash: I can help you find it, I’ll bring some Pringles.

Nero: No I don’t need any Pringles.

Smash: No Pringles? Well all right then… I that case I’ll talk to you later.

Nero: Okay, thanks.

Smash: We can go to an amusement park. Ride some…. rides!

Nero: Okay SHUT UP ALREADY!!!

(Disconnects)

Nero: Geez, that guy would NOT SHUT UP!

Taylor: So we noticed. Annoyed Nero?

Nero: Very!

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Scene from Chapter 7

(Still in the parking lot after having the “Not the Nero Wagon” get hijacked by Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, the league is more upset, especially Nero, who is continuously finger-pointing and yelling at Taylor.)

Taylor: Look, if you would have provided cover to the van like I asked you to, this would not have happened.

Nero: Cover? COVER!? That was a brilliant cover on the wagon. If you hadn’t been mocking that brilliant plan again and again, my wagon would still be with me. My wagon, (sob) my beautiful wagon…

Taylor: Oh geez, you’re not gonna go over-emotional on this are you?

Nero: (pulling out a photo-album from his jacket) I’ll never forget all the good times that we had together, (camera shows the pictures including Nero and wagon. Different pictures include Nero with some girls washing the wagon. Then at the beach, at a drive-in, etc) you were such a beautiful wagon.

Classy: My word, he has an album with pictures of his van in it!

Alucard: And they call ME obsessive.

[Alucard then wipes away some dust off his leather coat and straightens his glasses as Taylor watches him.]

Taylor: I hear that. [holding on tight to the EUWC Rulebook]

Alucard: [Noticing the Rulebook for the first time] Uh, how… long… have you been holding that book?

Taylor: How long? I don’t think I’ve ever let go of it, ever.

Alucard: O…kay, and where, may I ask, is the EUWC World Heavyweight Title?

Taylor: [Clutching the Rulebook with affection] Uhhh, what…World Heavy…Weight…Title?

Alucard: I see; I held on to the very belt for a 144 days and he loses it just like that [mutters something under his breath.]

Taylor: You say something?

Alucard: NOTHING! Just a curse on your very soul…

Nero: Yeah I bet you’re considering giving me a title shot right about now, huh Boredy?

Alucard: [confused] Why did you just mention a storyline that hasn’t happened yet but is a possibility for the future?

Nero: No reason. But it would have been awesome if I *sob* had a picture of me with the belt & THE WAGON!

Taylor: Isn’t there a picture of it running over you?

Nero: Yeah Garrison did accidentally knock me over with it once, but we didn’t have a camera that time cos…HEY!!!

 

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