Chapter 9 – Vinny Made Sandwiches

[In a conference room, Paul Doom, Holocaust and Vince McMahon are sitting at a table. Paul Doom is talking to someone on the phone, while McMahon and Holocaust look displeased.]

Doom: [on phone] Yes… well there’s nothing more to do so, you know of the fate that awaits you…[hangs up and talks to the other two.] The N.W.O. has failed sir.

Vince: Hmm, prepare for immediate transportation…

Holocaust: You don’t mean…

Vince: Yes, I’m sending them 5th class, where all they serve is a filthy disgusting snack and they HAVE to eat it! Notify them immediately!

Doom: Right away sir, although, where are you sending them?

Vince: Why? Do you want to accompany them to a land full of filthy hygiene and dental torture???

Doom: No, I don’t think I want to.

Vince: GOOD! Just do what I said!

Doom: Right away.

Holocaust: It appears that the league may pose a threat to our plans for Wrestlemania.

Vince: So what can they possibly do??? I’M VINCE MCMAHON DAMMIT! I OWN THE BIGGEST AND MOST POWERFUL WRESTLING ORGANISATION IN THE WORLD! I KILLED TED TURNER! I DROVE THE COMPETITION TO THE SEWERS!

Holocaust: More accurately known as TNA.

Vince: So what chance do these loons have against me?

Holocaust: About as much as the chance for Eddie Guerrero turning heel and going for Mysterio after Wrestlemania.

Vince: Ah, you heard of my plan?

Holocaust: Yes, I think one follow up match should solidify Eddie as a heel.

Vince: ONE MATCH! Think out of the box, PLEASE! This feud should escalate to mammoth proportions, like Rock and HHH going at it for about a 187 times.

Holocaust: I see, well, as for the league, chances are they’ll mount an offensive under the present circumstances.

Vince: Just because Nero got his van back means I should be scared of him?

Holocaust: The van is irrelevant sir, although it did do a pretty good job of keeping Nero a nervous wreck. But with their combined abilities, they were able to thwart off the N.W.O. They could be able to attack us at any time before Wrestlemania. Seeing as there are only 15 hours remaining, they won’t have many problems.

Vince: I don’t know why the fact that Wrestlemania being just 15 hours away is supposed to scare me. All we need right now is good protection. Doom, get the APA.

Doom: I’m afraid that’s not possible sir.

Vince: HOW DARE YOU DISAGREE WITH ME! I’M VINCE MCMAHON DAMMIT!

Doom: Well, you did fire Farooq, and then Bradshaw turned into JBL, a stock market success who’s rich and comes out to the ring in a limo.

Vince: Bradshaw in a limo?!  WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DEBACLE!!!

Doom: I think it was the writers…

Vince: WHAT WRITERS!!!

[Cut scene of an image with I.R. Baboon writing something on a log.]

Vince: I need to be on Smack down more often. I remember the last time I was there, when I BURIED THE UNDERTAKER ALIVE!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Holocaust: I believe it was Kane.

Vince: No, it was definitely Taker. Kane was up there with me as we were laughing maniacally. [Sigh] Good times, good times….

Holocaust: Yes…well, as for the league, we’ll have to be prepared for them.

Vince: Alright, then lets stay silent for a while and think about a plan…

[All three stay silent and think for a while. Camera zooms in on Doom as he is thinking and his voice in his mind overlaps.]

Doom: [thinking] Boy, Vince must have some really bad and evil plan in the works for the league. If it’s as bad as what he did to the N.W.O. I’m gonna enjoy every bit of it. Finally I can have revenge on the league. Alucard for ruining my career. Garrison for beating the crap out of me. Nero and Taylor just annoy me. And those other two, the driver and…no wait, that’s it.

Holocaust: [thinking] I’m seriously reconsidering this alliance with McMahon. It’s been a year and he didn’t notice JBL till today?!? This can’t be good for business. Still, his resources may come in handy to finish off the league.

Vince: [thinking] I wonder with these two dressed up in weird Goth outfits, I’m the only one who looks sane and handsome around here.

[Meanwhile, its morning and the “Not the Nero Wagon” is parked outside a taco shop The league is out of the van apparently waiting for something.]

Taylor: Was this stop really necessary?

Nero: If it wasn’t then you’re clinically insane! And judging by the fact that you only have one kind of ring attire ever since your debut, HELLO!

[Just then, a pickup truck pulls up, which has a big screen on the back. Few people and the league look around it as the screen starts to play. Vince McMahon comes on the screen.]

Vince: Greetings people ofL.A.I’m Vince McMahon. Owner of World Wrestling Entertainment…

Alucard: At least he didn’t finish that with ‘dammit’!

Vince: As you may all know, tonight is the night for Wrestlemania 21 at The Staples Center. You may have heard about what happened at our huge gathering last night, but trust me, nothing like that will happen again. And now, a huge announcement! Are you a wrestler or an athlete who wants to make it jobb… I mean a defining career in the WWE. Then come on down to The Staples Center and show me what you got. You could earn a spot at one of our amazing shows, like Heat, or Velocity etc. Also, [holds up a tray of sandwiches] I MADE SANDWICHES! So come on down. Open for all wrestlers.

[Out of the crowd, Sharkboy comes out.]

Sharkboy: I’m a superstar from TNA!

Vince: YOU’RE A SUPERSTAR FROM BALONEY! NO SANDWICHES FOR YOU!!!

[The pickup truck speeds away leaving behind smoke and dirt. Everyone coughs and then start to leave the area.]

Sharkboy: [coughing] CRAP! [leaves]

Classy: [looks away from his fellow league members] Strange. Why would Vince McMahon, a social moron and total under miner of wrestling talent, want to host an audition gathering for up and coming wrestlers for the WWE? He has Tough Enough for that! [Turns around] IT’S A TRAP!!!

[The rest of the league is quiet]

Classy: Why aren’t you all shocked? Surely you noticed me saying that!

Taylor: Yeah, but we already figured it out as a trap.

Alucard: Yes, the pickup stopping right where we were was the perfect giveaway.

Taylor: Meaning he knew exactly where we were.

Nero: [swiftly] Squealer!!!

Alucard: Still, if this is a trap, why don’t we take the bait?

Classy: And why would we do that?

Alucard: Because I have a plan.

Taylor: HEY! I’m the leader here. I’m the Undisputed Greatest …

Nero: JACKASS OF ALL TIME!!!

Taylor: Grrr…

Alucard: Regardless, this is my most BRILLIANT plan ever!

[They hear the voice of Garrison chomping something in the van.]

Garrison’s Voice: [chomp] Hey, these waffles are pretty good. Whadya put in them?

Torpid’s Voice: Waffles.

Garrison’s Voice: YOU’RE LYING!!!

[Torpid is thrown out of the van. Nero checks on Garrison from the rear door.]

Garrison: HEY NERO [chomp] Waffles?

Nero: Uhhhhhhhhhhh….Thanks, later maybe.

Taylor: So what’s this brilliant plan?

Alucard: Hmmm…okay I don’t know how to say this, but I forgot my plan.

Nero: Way to go boredy.

Alucard: BUT let’s do this instead. By far, it’s my most BRILLIANT PLAN ever.

Taylor: I thought that last one was your most brilliant ever.

Alucard: THIS is even more brilliant! We send one of us disguised as an amateur wrestler to this gathering. He can find out what Vince is up to and what he and Holocaust are planning for Wrestlemania and Hogan.

Taylor: Sounds pretty good. But who do we send? We’ll need an expert in recon and stealth…

[Taylor, Nero, and Alucard look at Classy]

Classy: Oh sure, that’s obvious. Always send in the unnoticeable guy to do the dirty work.

Taylor: This has nothing to do with dirty work.

Classy: It will once they find me and beat me to a pulp. Forget it, I’m not doing it.

Nero: What are you worried about? You’re unnoticeable! You could go there and stand on a table and strip naked, paint yourself purple and dance around singing “I’m Henry VIII I am” and still NOBODY would give a crap!

Taylor: And with that disgusting image, I’ve changed my mind. All those in favor for sending in Nero, say I!

Taylor, Classy and Alucard: IIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Nero: HEY! It’s three against one!

Taylor: We know. Wonderful isn’t it?

Nero: Oh yeah, I’ll show you. HEY TORPID!

[Torpid is out cold]

Alucard: His vote doesn’t count anyway. He isn’t in the league.

Nero: But Garrison’s does. HEY LYNCH!

[Just then Slipknot’s “Before I Forget” plays on the vans radio and Garrison starts singing along, the first line being “ ‘I’ am a world…” Nero looks pissed.]

Nero: Does Slipknot count?

Taylor: In this case, OH YEAH!!!

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