Chapter 7 – The Squealer

[Still in the parking lot after having the “Not the Nero Wagon” gets hijacked by Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, the league is more upset, especially Nero, who is continuously finger-pointing and yelling at Taylor.]

Taylor: Look, if you would have provided cover to the van like I asked you to, this would not have happened.

Nero: Cover? COVER!? That was a brilliant cover on the wagon. If you hadn’t been mocking that brilliant plan again and again, my wagon would still be with me. My wagon, [sob] my beautiful wagon…

Taylor: Oh geez, you’re not gonna go over-emotional on this are you?

Nero: [pulling out a photo-album from his jacket] I’ll never forget all the good times that we had together, [camera shows the pictures including Nero and wagon. Different pictures include Nero with some girls washing the wagon. Then at the beach, at a drive-in, etc] you were such a beautiful wagon.

Classy: My word, he has an album with pictures of his van in it!

Alucard: And they call ME obsessive.

Taylor: Isn’t there a picture of it running over you?

Nero: Yeah Garrison did accidentally knock me over with it once, but we didn’t have a camera that time cos…HEY!!!

Taylor: Hey, instead of crying like a little baby over all of this, why don’t we evaluate the situation? Obviously McMahon hired those two and they have our only way of getting to the Staples Center on time for Wrestlemania.

Classy: Well, we could just take the bus.

Taylor: Uh, excuse me, but did you say the BUS??? I’m Sean Taylor, The Greatest Undisputed EUWC Double Champion of all time!!! And you expect me to take the BUS???

Alucard: He does have a point. I wouldn’t want to be caught dead in a bus.

Classy: Aren’t you already dead?

Alucard: No no no no no….that’s Undertaker. Or Doom.

Classy: Doom isn’t dead.

Alucard: He will be once I suck out his sucker.

Taylor: That…was a disturbing comment.

Alucard: I’ve made up my mind.

Nero: Will you guys get back to the real problem, I WANT MY WAGON BACK!!!

Taylor: Technically, since you sprayed “Not” on it, it isn’t your wagon. That was pretty smart of Hall and Nash to use that loophole…


Taylor: Why, whadya gonna do, huh???

Nero: Nothing really, till you realize you just said Nash and Hall were ‘smart.’

[Silence. Only the sound of crickets can be heard.]

Taylor, Nero, Classy and Alucard: EEEEUUUWWW!!!!

Taylor: Alright, I take that back.

Alucard: I believe we better get to find the wagon.

Taylor: Oh and why is that?

Alucard: Because the sooner we find the wagon, I can have some fun by beating up Hall and Nash, and have a good laugh at them for trying to actually ‘beat’ me.


Taylor: But those two could be anywhere by now. Maybe Vince gave them some sort of luxurious hiding place.

[Silence again with the sound of crickets.]

Taylor, Nero, Classy and Alucard: NAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!

Nero: Probably a pipe in the gutter. That’s where I put Torpid.

Classy: Perhaps, we should call… “The Squealer.”

Taylor: Squealer? Who’s that?

Classy: They say he knows a lot of information in the wrestling world. Trouble is, he can’t keep it to himself. That’s why he’s called… “The Squealer.” If there’s anyone who could possibly know where the wagon and Hall and Nash are, he does.

Nero: And why did you fail to tell us about him before, like I dunno, since the WAGON GOT JACKED 30 MINUTES AGO!!!

Classy: Well, I didn’t think this would be the perfect time or place…


Taylor: Yeah. You could have saved us from hearing this little weasel rant on and on and on…

Nero: One of these days Sean, BAM!!! Straight to the pit of undercard hell!!!

Taylor: Dream on fuzzball. So how do we contact this squealer?

Classy: Well, I do have his phone number. [Pulls out a card from his wallet] I was gonna call him to ask if there was a push lined up for me in the future…

Nero: [snatches card from Classy.] That can wait!

Classy: Oh sure, hold down the unnoticeable guy!

Nero: Whatever. [Takes out his cell phone and dials the number. He puts it on his ear and then he hears someone talking loud and fast on the other end.] Uh…could you hold on for a second… [puts phone on the hold mode] Classy…

Classy: Yes?

Nero: The squealer, its Jay Smash!

Taylor, Classy and Alucard: GASP!

Classy: But how can you tell?

Nero: Well, first he went in a monotone voice “This is The Squealer…” and then he goes “Actually I’m JAY SMASH! I’M THE SQUEALER! ME ME! I SHOULDN’T BE TELLING YOU MY SECRET ID, BUT I CANT HELP IT, I SQUEAL!!!” Blah blah. He just kept going on and on.

Taylor: Well, talk to him; see what you can find out.

Nero: You’re kidding right. Why don’t any of you guys talk to him?

Taylor, Classy and Alucard: NO NO NO NO…!!!

Nero: [sigh] [talking on phone]

Hello Jay. Howya doin?


How’s the squealing goin?


uh huh


uh huh


Listen, SHUT UP for a second


Okay a minute. Listen, I need you to tell me where Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are hiding my BEAUTIFUL WAGON!!!








Ok I got it




Yeah I got it


No I don’t need any Pringles





Nero: Geez, that guy would NOT SHUT UP!

Taylor: So we noticed. Annoyed Nero?

Nero: Very!

Classy: So where are they?

Nero: Some junkyard a couple of blocks next to the Ampitheatre.

Taylor: Well that’s stupid. Why would they be hiding near the Ampitheatre?

Alucard: Of course the junkyard makes complete sense.

Taylor, Nero and Classy: Yeah… right… true…

Taylor: Right. So we know where they are. Now all we have to do is get there.

Alucard: Surely you don’t expect me to walk there.

Nero: What’s your problem? You’re a no-seller.

Alucard: And that makes me stoop to a lower level to actually walk???

Nero: He does have a point. I ain’t walking! These shoes weren’t made for a walk-a-thon.

Taylor: I guessed that much.

[Suddenly they hear a car horn and lights flash on them. They see a white limousine with bullhorns on the front and a JBL logo on the sides. The sunroof opens and Casey Torpid and Lynch Garrison pop out.]

Garrison: Hey Nero! Check out the cool new ride I got!

Nero: You jacked JBL’s Limo?

Garrison: Yeah! OJ snuck it out here for a big-boy party session. But I jumped him.

Taylor: And?

Torpid: And let’s just say he’s a little tied up right now.

[Torpid and Garrison laugh out heartily and Garrison hits Torpid hard on the head. Torpid falls back into the car.]

Taylor: Well at least we have transportation now. Let’s get going.

[The league gets inside the limo and the limo speeds off.]

Nero: [voice] Hey, he’s got a picture of him with the ministry of darkness.

===================== =======================


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s