Chapter 3 – Catching the Beast… well, sorta

[Los Angeles. Camera shows the “Not the Nero Wagon” parked outside a comic book shop. A life size cutout of Rob Van Dam is on the window. A sign says “Book signing today by Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart.” Inside however, the whole shop is messed up and the shelves and books are lying about. We see a huge man, whose face is hidden in shadows since he broke most of the lights, throwing things around and yelling aloud. Sean Taylor and Classy Mike C are hiding behind a table, with books and stuff flying over them.Taylorhas a walkie talkie.]

Taylor: [Into walkie talkie] Nero, explain to me two things. One, why do we need this big gorilla anyways? And two, why the hell do we need walkie talkies for? This is a small comic book shop, not a multiplex!

[Cut to Nero, who is hiding behind another table.]

Nero: [Into walkie talkie] Dude, no-seller or not, we did need a big powerhouse on the team. And I thought the walkie talkies were just cool, kinda like the movies.

[Cut toTaylor]

Taylor: [Into walkie talkie] Even considering that we’re only TWO AISLES away from each other!

[Cut to Nero]

Nero: Yeah, this is gonna be hard to pull off. Poor little Van Dam’s place is trashed on Bret Hart’s book signing day.

[Van Dam approaches Nero from behind]

RVD: Dude, you’re gonna have to pay for all this man!

Nero: [passes him a packet] Here, these should do, now scram!


[Cut toTaylorand Classy, who is reading something out of one of Bret Hart’s books.]

Classy: I wonder what would have happened if the Montreal Screwjob had never happened.

Taylor: That is one of the universe’s greatest mysteries.

Bret Hart: [From under a table] Nothing much really, the Austin era not happening, HHH not getting pushed, watching me and HBK go at it for the umpteenth time, the usual.

Classy: Well, could you please sign my book?

Bret: Did you buy it yet?

Classy: Not yet.

Bret: No deal! Get in line and then we’ll discuss that.

Taylor: [Into walkie talkie] Okay Nero, the time is now!

[Suddenly John Cena’s “The time is now” plays on loud volume. Bret,Taylor, Classy and Nero look around in astonishment but then Nero spots RVD playing Cena’s album on a CD player and eating chill pills. He looks dazed.]

Nero: Ah, false alarm, Lizzie. Anyways, I’m goin in.

[Nero comes out from his hiding place and slowly walks up to towards the large person. He carefully approaches him as he throws more furniture around the shop. When the person sees Nero, he stops. Cut shows Classy andTaylorlooking worried. Cut back to Nero.]

Nero: Hey G, howya doin?

Lynch Garrison: Wassup Nero! All sweet. [shakes hands with Nero.]

Nero: So you ready for the shindig tonight?

Lynch: Ya bet!

[Just then, Sean Taylor attacks Lynch Garrison with a wooden chair, which breaks into pieces. Garrison gets angry and grabsTaylorby the throat.]

Lynch: You gonna be real sorry bout that, book brain!

Taylor: [with a pressed throat] Ahehehe….can’t we [cough] talk about this???

Lynch: Yeah sure.

Taylor: Well you see…

Lynch: CHANGED MY MIND! [Raises his hand for a punch]

Taylor: Nero, [cough] do something!

Nero: I am. Just wish I had a camera.


Taylor: NERO!

Alucard: Goodnight.

Lynch: Wha–!

[From behind Lynch, Alucard grabs him and delivers an Electric Chair to the big man! Lynch goes down with massive impact.]

Lynch: [passing out] Can’t..move…just a…stupid move…why cant….move…uhhh [passes out.]

Taylor: [cough cough] Phew, that was too close…why didn’t you tell me you could just talk to him and get him on?

Nero: I dunno. He looked like in a bad mood. Besides, the look on your face was spectacular!

Taylor: Hey, I am the Undisputed Greatest EUWC Double Champion of All Time. I certainly don’t deserve getting beaten to a pulp by Lynch Garrison.

Nero: But man, were you scared!!! You were ready to call your mommy!!!

Taylor: This isn’t funny Nero.

Nero: I swear I almost saw tears.

Taylor: AARRGH! Oh never bother. It’s useless arguing with you.

Nero: [in a crybaby voice] “Mommy mommy, I’m a double champ and I got my @$$ kicked by a big meanie…WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

Taylor: Hey, SHUT UP ALREADY! I’m warning you, shut your mouth! Alright guys, its time we clear out of here. So let’s get this big ape up and away.

Classy: Not just yet. Apparently Bret Hart is letting fans take pictures of him doing the sharpshooter on Garrison.

[Fans are taking pictures of Bret Hart with the sharpshooter locked in on an unconscious Lynch Garrison.]

Taylor: What’s the point of that?

Classy: I don’t know really.

Taylor: Well get him off and let’s get going!

Nero: [crouching down on Garrison’s head] Boy, did you nail him bad. When he comes to, he’ll…

Alucard: Do what? I’ll just do what I always do and…

Nero: You mean no-sell and take him down again?

Alucard: Call it what you like.

Nero: I wish I had a contract like that.

Alucard: In your dreams Nero, in your dreams.

[Outside the comic book shop,Taylor, Nero and Classy drag out Garrison to the “Not the Nero Wagon.”

Taylor: Pfft…BAH! I’m the Undisputed Greatest EUWC Double Champion of All Time. Why do I have to carry this big oaf out like this?

Nero: Hey, I just figured out an acronym for that. Let’s see; U, G, E, D, C, A, T….. JACKASS!!!

Taylor: One of these days Nero, one of these days…

Nero: Sure, I’ll sign your little autograph book, just as soon as I become WWE champ.

Alucard: Excuse me, but your driver Torpid is unconscious.

[Torpid is lying on his face next to the van. The league is standing over him. Classy has a smile on his face]

Taylor: Who could have done this?

Alucard: He looks like he took a Bostoncrab or a sharpshooter.

Nero: Probably that idiot Bret Hart again. Man he will go over anybody!

Classy: [suspicious look on his face] Uh, yeah… Bret Hart,…sharpshooter. Right.

Nero: Oh well, we can’t leave without him.

Taylor: Why, no vans in San Andreas?

Unknown voice: Perhaps I can be of service.

[The league looks from where the voice came from. From behind the van, steps Paul Doom.]

Nero: Ah, Polly Kaboom! Whadya doin here?

Doom: Vince McMahon sent me to make sure everything was going according to plan. He also sent this. [Holds up a briefcase] It has a video conferencing unit. Since you have an injured man, I think I could drive for the moment.

Nero: A few questions. Are you hard to notice?

Doom: Not really.

Taylor: Are you effective with your power moves?

Doom: I’m sure you know that already.

Nero: Do you have a no-seller clause?

Doom: Well, not everyone can get to keep one of those. [Gives Alucard an icy glare]

Alucard: [grins] Look who’s talking! As I recall, you dropped the ball Doom. But I think you’re doing quite well without it.

Doom, Nero,Taylor, and Classy: [altogether] SAYS YOU!!!

Taylor: But then what makes you SO special that McMahon sent you to help. More importantly, why would he consider you for a WWE contract???

Doom: I’ll show you. Nero, attack me.

Nero: Ohhhh no! You aint foolin me with that “give him a free shot and chokeslam him” bit.

Taylor: I would LOVE to see that, personally.

Doom: I give you my word that no harm will come to you. Go ahead, try a running clothesline.

Nero: Okay, here goes!

[Nero charges at Doom but at some distance from Doom, Nero slowly stops and looks a little confused.]

Nero: Whoa, I feel flushed. It’s like all my charisma is being sucked out or something. I feel a headache coming.

Doom: See?

Classy: Amazing! He can suck heat out of anyone that approaches him.

Taylor: Yes, This seems to be working effectively on Nero.

Alucard: Interesting. That would explain Doom’s most recent debacles, I mean matches.

Taylor: I think him and Nero should sit together at the front, for the benefit of everybody else. Hehehehe.

Nero: Uhhh…I think Booky made a joke…but …feel too tired to react…

Doom: So, if there are no other queries, I would suggest that we get moving. The Hall of Fame show is tonight. McMahon gave me the entrance passes. Once we’re in, we’ll find Holocaust and capture him.

Taylor: But we still have no idea as to what is Holocaust going to do there. He’s not just going to just show up and say ‘Boo!’ in an annoyingly loud volume.

Classy: I’m sure that would scare the WWE Superstars, well, maybe the hall of famers.

Alucard: Except Hogan of course.

Taylor, Classy and Doom: Oh yeah…yeah…right.

Nero: Phew…feeling a lot better now. Keep Mr. Goon away from me.

Taylor: Why? You two are gonna get along just great. It’ll be fun. Anyways, I know I shouldn’t be asking you this, but what evil and diabolical scheme do you think Holocaust has planned for the Hall of Fame show. And NO VISCERA JOKES!!!

Nero: Well, he could hypnotize JBL and make him do a speech.

Taylor: JBL doesn’t need to be hypnotized for that. He’s got a big mouth. I’m sure you’re familiar with it.

Nero: Okay, how about show footage of McMahon making out.

Classy: With?

Taylor: Oh God No!

Alucard: I prefer you not continue with this.

Taylor: Nero, were you born a pervert?

Nero: If you were born a nerd…



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