Chapter 12 – Is there a pre-Heat show? There is Now!

[As we left the league in the large hall with the auditioning wrestlers and Holocaust, Paul Doom and Vince McMahon, it is now the final confrontation between the league and the WWE/Dominion alliance.]

Holocaust: So you fools think you can stop us from carrying out our devious schemes? How stupid of you all. Alucard, I expected better than this.

Alucard: Yes, I know.

Taylor: Hey wait a minute, this was YOUR brilliant plan, remember?

Alucard: Ah yes, but if the cake scenario didn’t screw up like it did, my BRILLIANT PLAN would have succeeded!

Nero: So who’s to blame here?

Classy: ORTON!!! HE RUINED MY BEAUTIFUL CAKE!!!

Nero: Could we please lay off the cake!?

Taylor: Why? Did we lay off the wagon when you asked us to?

Nero: Well at least I have transportation, Mr. Sean “Doesn’t know how to ride a bike”Taylor!

Taylor: You know, you’re starting to become a real pain in the butt!

Nero: Look who’s talking “LALALALALALALLALALLAAAAAAA….AAAASSSCRAMP!!!!”

Vince: Enough already! It’s only been two minutes and already I’m about to have a heart attack.

Taylor: Don’t you think it has something to do with old age?

Nero: Or steroid overdose?

Vince: Alright, this is ridiculous. First off, all of you losers, GET OUT!

[The other wrestlers don’t move and its silence.]

Vince: Didn’t you hear me? I have more pressing business to take care of than watching you indy boys in the ring. GET OUT!

[Still no one moves.]

Nero: Allow me, HEY G!

[Garrison says nothing and starts screaming and running around the hall, scaring everyone and all of them head for the exit in fright. No one else is left, other than Vince, Holocaust, Doom, and the league.]

Vince: I could have Holocaust summon the Dominion’s henchmen and take you guys out.

Holocaust: With pleasure.

Vince: But instead, an even worse fate awaits you.

Holocaust: And all our plans are ruined.

Vince: Don’t worry; they have no chance in hell.

Holocaust: For what, pray tell. Suspend them? In case you haven’t forgotten, we haven’t hired them yet!

Taylor: ‘We’???

Holocaust: There is an arrangement in the works. So Vince, what dastardly idea do you have to get these losers off our backs?

Vince: Simple. This is the WWE, and over here, we don’t solve problems with a backstage brawl. Instead, we let people settle it, in that very ring!

Holocaust: What ring? This is the hall!

Vince: Okay, the ring we have set up tonight.

Taylor: You’re giving us a match at Wrestlemania?

Vince, Doom and Holocaust: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Doom: That would be nice though. Having EUWC superstars on Wrestlemania.

Vince: And of course the ‘smart’ thing to do. This is the WWE, besides, that would beat the point of us begging people to buy our PPVs. So instead, we’ll settle this in a pre-heat show.

Nero: Pre-heat? You mean not even on Heat???

Vince: Hell no! Heat is for making people like Hurricane look like they can squash people.

Taylor: So what do you have in mind?

Vince: Well, we’ll settle this in the ultimate match. A match of main event proportions!

Nero: Thanks Vince. So who am I facing?

Vince: Uh, no not you Nero.

Nero: You’re kidding, right?

Vince: Nope, the match is Lord Alucard vs. Holocaust.

Nero: Ah that aint no big deal! We got a no-seller here, so no problemo.

Alucard: I’m afraid it is a problem. Apparently you haven’t seen HIS contractual clause.

Taylor: Which is?

Alucard: Exactly the same as mine.

Taylor: Ah.

Nero: Crap! Why do the boredy Goths get the no-selling clauses?!

Alucard and Holocaust: I BEG YOUR PARDON!!!

Nero: Uh, like I said, knock yourselves out!

Classy: That seems unlikely. With two no-sellers, it could go on forever.

Taylor: Yeah that’s true. Fortunately, I have an idea. And you’re the integral part of it.

[Taylors tarts whispering into Classy’s ear. Scene dissolves into the arena where Taylor, Nero, Garrison and Torpid are sitting in the front row of an empty arena, looking totally bored. Garrison yawns.]

Nero: [yelling] BOOOOO!!!! THIS MATCH SUCKS! NERO ROCKS!!! THIS MATCH SUCKS! NERO ROCKS!!! THIS MATCH SUCKS! NERO ROCKS!!!

Taylor: God, we’ve been in this match for 15 minutes already and other then weapon attacks, I have yet to see a wrestling move NOT getting reversed.

Nero: Hmmm, maybe this could be some kind of a record.

[Meanwhile in the ring, no doubt, Alucard and Holocaust have wrestled in what may be the match with the most number of reversals. There are many weapons in the ring including sticks, garbage cans, chairs, etc. Alucard and Holocaust rest for a moment, then approach each other.]

Holocaust: Alucard, LOOK! [points behind him.] A garbage can!

Alucard [looks behind him]: Yes it is rather impressive, that… can.

[From behind, Holocaust attacks Alucard with a steel chair and Alucard goes down on his knee.]

Alucard: THAT’S IT! You have fooled me with the garbage can for the LAST TIME!!!

Holocaust: 3 actually.

Alucard: BAH!

Holocaust: BAH!

[Both of them grapple each other and Holocaust whips Alucard across the ropes, kicks him in the mid section and goes for the Burnt Offering, but Alucard REVERSES it and goes for an Electric Chair. But Holocaust REVERSES it and whips Alucard into the corner. Holocaust goes to the opposite corner and charges towards him but somehow Holocaust trips from the referee’s foot and falls down.]

Vince: [sitting at ringside with Doom] WOW! What an unexpected twist!

[Alucard recovers and as Holocaust is dazed, delivers the Einhander flawlessly and covers Holocaust, 1..2..THREE!!!]

Doom: HEY! What just happened!?

[The league gets in the ring and celebrates with Alucard and the referee, who no one cared to notice, was actually Classy Mike C!!!]

Vince: OOOHHH! I always knew that Classy was the most dangerous of the whole league.

Doom: That was a pretty cool plan though. No one noticed the ref was Classy.

Vince: Ironic isn’t it? No one noticed it was the unnoticeable guy.

[Vince gets in the ring, followed by Doom.]

Vince: So you think you’re pretty smart HUH! Let me tell you something…

Nero: I’m Vince McMahon Dammit!?

Vince: No, I’M VINCE MCMAHON DAMMIT!!!

Taylor: Figured that out.

Vince: And now that this match proved to be useless, I’m signing another match.

Nero: Will this be on Heat?

Vince: HAHAHAHAHA…NO! This is a two-on-one no DQ handicap match! With you Taylor…

Taylor: Okay…

Vince: And your partner will be, Nero!

Taylor: Oh dear God, no.

Nero: Right, so stay out of the way Bookie. And the rest of you better take notes on how The Great and Almighty Nero does business around here.

[Everyone leaves the ring except Taylor, Nero and Vince.]

Nero: So who are we facing Vinny?

Vince: You’ll regret calling me that, so here come out your opponent…

[The n.W.o. Music hits.]

Nero: Oh its either Hall or Nash. This is gonna be easy.

[To everyone’s shock and surprise, out comes in his trademark black and white n.W.o. attire, none other than…]

Vince: …HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN!!!

Taylor: You gotta be kiddin’ me!!!

Nero: We’re screwed!

[Hogan enters the ring and does the poses and everything. Vince leaves the ring, leaving only Nero and Taylor with the Hulkster.]

Alucard: [from outside the ring.] Oh Nero?

Nero: What?

Alucard: Remember when you said to take notes, [pulls out a notepad and pen] Ill be doing just that.

[Moments later, we seeTaylorlying in a corner, meanwhile Hogan has Nero and delivers a body press drop! Nero falls facing Alucard who is outside taking notes.]

Alucard: Tsk, Tsk, oh well, [writes something] F!

Nero: [beat up.] Figures.

[Taylor tries to mount some offence at the hulkster and bounces off the ropes, but Hogan catches him and delivers a huge powerslam. Nero gets a steel chair and attacks Hogan from behind but then Hogan does his trademark turn and look at Nero and the “No way” finger sign. Nero is frightened but tries to attack him anyways. However Hogan takes Nero down with an arm drag. Nero faces Alucard again.]

Alucard: [sighs and writes some more] F Minus!

[Nero and Taylor talk to each other for a moment.]

Taylor: Let’s try a double clothesline.

Nero: Good idea.

[Taylor and Nero try to do just that and run towards him but Hogan takes both of them down with a big back double shoulder toss!]

Taylor: Oh who are we kidding! It’s Hollywood Hulk Hogan for Christ’s Sake!!!

[Nero faces Alucard again.]

Alucard: Hmm… what could be lower than F Minus? [Writes some more] Z! Z, ZEEEEEE, ZEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

[Since Taylor and Nero are down, Hogan wastes time by posing in an empty arena with no audience.]

Classy: Alucard! Do something!

Alucard: I can’t

Classy: Why not?

Alucard: It’s my contract. My no-selling clause also specifies that I not, under any circumstance fight Hollywood Hulk Hogan or The Iron Sheik.

Classy: Iron Sheik???

Alucard: Never mind that!

Classy: So what would happen if you did?

Alucard: I’ll lose my no-sell clause!

Classy: Well what’s more important to you? The clause or you friends’ well being?

[Alucard just stares at him.]

Classy: Alright, well somebody has to do something.

[Without warning, Garrison enters the ring and attacks Hogan while he was posing. Garrison whips Hogan across the ropes and goes for a Showstopper but Hogan kicks him in the gut and power slams Garrison on the mat, ala Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3.]

Alucard: That…was…quite a cliché.

Classy: BAH! I don’t care, I’m going in.

[Classy enters the ring and goes for Hogan, but Hogan takes Classy down with a big boot.]

Classy: What? You…noticed…me?

Hogan: Yeah, YOU SUCK BROTHER!!!

[Hogan picks up Classy and throws him out of the ring]

Nero: Must…run…away. Or…at… least, must…scream…loudly. Must…

Taylor: …Stop talking like William Shatner!

[Hogan picks Nero up and swings him around the ring.]

Nero: AAAAHHHH, YO! GOD! BUDDHA!!! ANY OF YOU GUYS!!!

[Hogan tosses Nero in the corner.]

Nero: SATAN! YOU OWE ME!!!

Vince: And me.

Holocaust: And me.

Alucard: And me.

[Taylor attacks Hogan from behind and whips Hogan, but Hogan reverses and nails a big boot! Nero charges at him but also gets a big boot! Hogan locks both Taylor and Nero in a double sleeper hold.]

Taylor: [choking] Hogan… please… stop… you can’t… do… this…

Nero: [choking] Yeah… think of…all the people…

Taylor: [choking] Think about… Wrestle… Mania…

Nero: [choking] Think… about… the fans…

Taylor: [choking] Think… about…the Hulkamaniacs…

[Hogan’s face goes blank for a moment…]

Hogan: Hulka…maniacs…

[Hogan lets both Taylor and Nero go and starts yelling in an angry rage. Hogan then tears off his n.W.o. t-shirt and his bandana.]

Vince: What is the matter with you? Finish them!!!

Hogan: NOOO!!! You can make me black and white, you can use me to ruin Wrestlemania worse than Goldberg ever will! But NO WAY am I betraying all of my Hulkamaniacs BROTHER!!!

Vince: Oh jeez, not another Hulkamania attack. Doom, get him!

[Doom goes in and tries to attack Hogan but Hogan takes him down with a power slam! Then Hogan bounces off the ropes and nails him with a Hogan Leg Drop!]

Holocaust: Ah, I knew it wouldn’t work this time either. I’ll get him.

[Holocaust pulls out a bottle of chloroform and applies it on a handkerchief and uses it on Hogan’s mouth but it seems to have no effect. Hogan just shoves Holocaust down on the mat.]

Holocaust: [surprised] But, why? Huh? [Looks at the bottle] MOUNTAIN DEW!!! DAMNNNN!!! Who’s responsible for this???

Classy: [getting up] Hehe, guess whoooo???

Vince: [In the ring] Hogan you idiot! Finish them off and cut it out with the noble act.

Hogan: No brother. [Helps Taylor up] No matter how much of a big superstar you become, you always look out for your other compadres, no matter how big or small.

Nero: IN HIS CASE, REAL SMALL!!! WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!

Hogan: Still, I think these guys form an important part of the wrestling world.

Vince: Yes, more businesses I can drive straight to the ground!

Hogan: I can’t beat these guys. In fact, now that I think about it, I can’t ruin Wrestlemania either!

Vince: Well, I suppose you can come out in the red and yellow, cant he Holocaust?

Holocaust: Now wait just a minute…

[Classy climbs on behind Holocaust and uses the real chloroform to knock Holocaust out cold.]

Vince: I guess it’s settled then. Hogan, you don’t have to ruin Wrestlemania.

Hogan: YEAH!!!

Taylor: What about us?

Classy: Yeah, do we get our contracts?

Vince: Okay, I don’t know how to tell you this, but sorry, you don’t.

The league: Awww!

Vince: But let’s do this instead!

[We now see various WWE Superstars such as Triple H, Ric Flair, JBL,Jericho, Batista etc sitting in the seats of the hall.]

Triple H: Can we get this over with soon. I still need to get my hair shampooed.

Jericho: [sitting next to him] What’s the point, you’ll ruin it when you make that stupid entrance. You DO know most of that water in you hair is your own spit!

Triple H: Oh you’re one to talk, Mr. “hair stylist who cut his hair down to size.”

Jericho: Oh yeah!

[Both men get in each others face]

Triple H: Yeah!

Jericho: Yeah!

Triple H: Yeah!

Jericho: Yeah!

Triple H: YEAH!

Jericho: YEAH!

Flair: [next to them] WOOO!!!

Triple H andJericho: SHUT UP!!!

[Vince is on stage with the league and Hogan. It looks like they’re having a presentation.]

Vince: QUIET FLAIR!!!

Flair: But I…

Vince: YOU HEARD ME! [Clears throat] Now then. For saving Wrestlemania and foiling me, I very proudly, AND ANGRILY, present to you with the WWE Medals of Honor!!!

[Hogan puts a medal around each of the league members, including Classy Mike C, who he didn’t fail to notice.]

Triple H: Big deal! Just because they got Hogan off n.W.o. mode, they get medals!

Vince: Why, they’re special alright. There’s Classy Mike C.

Triple H: Where?

Classy: Oh God!

Vince: And Garrison.

Garrison: Grrrr…

Triple H: Uhhhh….yeah.

Vince: Sean Taylor.

Triple H: I hate him already.

Vince: Lord Alucard.

Triple H: Oh. I got nothing against him.

Nero: And don’t forget, THE GREAT AND ALMIGHTY NERO!!!

Triple H: Don’t know ya….hey wait a minute. I know that voice anywhere. You’re the guy who keeps calling and annoying me at home! HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER!?

Jericho: Off a bathroom wall.

Triple H: HOW DO YOU KNOW!?

Jericho: I wrote it there, JACKASS! “For annoying HHH all you want, call 555——–]

Triple H: You are such a weasel.

Jericho: I resent that.

Triple H: Whadya gonna doJericho?

Jericho: Hunter!

Triple H:Jericho!

Jericho: Hunter!

Triple H:Jericho!

Jericho: Hunter!

Triple H:Jericho!

Jericho: HUNTER!

Triple H:JERICHO!

[Flair is about to open his mouth but Triple H interrupts him.]

Triple H: Don’t even think about it.

Vince: And also, to show my hospitality, I’m inviting the league to watch Wrestlemania. They can have the VIP stand!

Nero: WOOHOO!!!

Vince: But no free snacks.

Nero: Crap!

Hogan: Vince?!

Vince: Fine, eat the whole hot dog stand.

Nero: Me and G were planning to do just that. Well gotta go now.

[The league gets off the stage and leave.]

Nero: Hey Bradshaw, nice boobs.

[JBL looks puzzled.]

[Wrestlemania is about to start and the league are sitting in the VIP Stand.]

Nero: Finally, I can relax and watch Wrestlemania.

Taylor: But don’t you have to take a nap?

Nero: How could I take a nap now? Wrestlemania is about to start.

Taylor: I bet you haven’t heard of [pulls out a bottle and handkerchief] CHLOROFORM!!!

[Tayloruses the handkerchief on Nero and Nero is out cold.]

Taylor: And now, I’ve ruined Wrestlemania for Nero.

Alucard: Every sane person’s dream.

======================================================

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