Chapter 11 – Just Desserts

[Nero’s voice is heard as he repeatedly yells “Taylor” loudly. The camera shows a park where the “Not the Nero Wagon” is parked. Nero is still yelling “Taylor” as we see Garrison punching away at rocks, Alucard and Classy Mike C standing next to a giant cake. MeanwhileTayloris sitting on the front seat of the wagon, looking bored.]


[Taylorclicks on a window on the laptop’s taskbar and a video feed of Nero appears on screen, still yelling “Taylor”. Then he stops.]

Taylor: I was kinda wondering when you would shut up on your own Nero, but it’s been 3 hours. 3 HOURS! THREEEE….HOURSSS!!!

Nero: That’s what you get when you minimize on me.

Taylor: Yeah, now I know. What’s the report?

Nero: Well you’ll be amazed to know that Vince makes amazing sandwiches. I could eat a whole tray of them.

Taylor: You already have, haven’t you?

Nero: OHHHHH YESSSSS!!! Mmmmmmmmmm, heavenly sandwiches.

Taylor: Well, you haven’t been found out yet, have you?

Nero: Are you kidding? I’ve seen people in more cornier wrestling outfits. One of them’s dressed up in an Indian costume.

Taylor: It wouldn’t happen to be some guy called Chief Running Deer, would it?

Nero: I wouldn’t know, we started off with the snacks first. The seminar is gonna start in 5 minutes. Why, why’re ya askin?

Taylor: No reason. I guess you can’t figure anything out till the seminar starts. Fine, get in there and stall McMahon and the Dominion. Meanwhile I’ll have to manage the next cake.

Nero: Next cake???

Taylor: Well, the first cake attracted Classy so much, he leapt to defend it.

Nero: By that you mean he literally leapt on top of the cake to defend it, right?

Taylor: Rigggghhht. Then, when the second cake came, Garrison gulped it down.

Nero: In all of these cakes, did you save some for me?

Taylor: Well we would have but they were toooooo tastyyyy. Classy sure knows his cakes! Anyways, we have a third cake now. Alucard is guarding it. Classy or Garrison so much as make a small move, and BAM!

Nero: Fine. Anyways, I’m off. Oh and by the way, you guys wait outside in the cake while I sneak you in. And remember, you are not to come out till you hear Vince McMahon yell “I’m Vince McMahon DAMMIT!!!”

Taylor: And how, pray tell is that gonna happen.

Nero: Hey, he’s Vince McMahon. I’m The Great and Almighty Nero! Do the math bookbrain! Anyways, toodles. [disconnects]

[Meanwhile outside the van.]

Classy: Wouldn’t you agree this cake his heavenly?

Alucard: Yes, the frosting is nicely done, the fragrance of vanilla and strawberry is soothing. The Chocolate syrup is incredibly tantalizing. It is without a doubt the most beautiful cake in the world.

Classy: My sentiments exactly.

Alucard: Only one thing.

Classy: Which is?

Alucard: I … hate…cake!

[Scene changes to a huge gathering of wrestlers in a huge hall inside the Staples Center. Mr. McMahon is on the stage. Holocaust is sitting at a panel desk on stage. Nero is somewhere in the front row.]

Vince: Welcome one and all to this symposium for all you *ahem* athletes with tremendous wrestling potential *cough crap cough.* Now as you may already know, Wrestlmania will happen 6 hours from now. Which is why we need to get this going. But first, let me explain a few things. By good chance you will make it big in the future with the WWE, but that all depends on one thing, loyalty. Once you’re loyal to the boss, you know life is rosy. But cross me and BY GOD you will pay. As right now, I have an example. For you see, we have a squealer among us.  I have drawn the list to two probables. They are with me on the stage, lights please.

[The lights turn on one side of the stage and we see on two chairs, Paul Doom, who looks calm and quiet, and on the other Jay Smash, biting his fingers and looking pale.]

Vince: Ladies and gentlemen, these are Paul Doom and Jay Smash, my two hire prospects from the EUWC. And one of them is the squealer. In order to find out, I have a rigorous questioning system, which I’m about to demonstrate right now. First we have Paul Doom…

Jay Smash: [interrupting] OKAY, okay, ITS ME! ME! I’M THE SQUEALER, ME! JAY SMASH! ME! I shouldn’t tell you this but I can’t help it, I SQUEAL! Hocus Pocus, You’re on focus, IM THE SQUEALER! ME! NOBODY ELSE BUT ME, NOT EVEN TIGHTLIPS DOOM! ME! I’m the guy you’re looking for, ME! [two men in black suits come on the stage and drag Jay backstage] AW MAN, this cant be good. You haven’t seen the last of me. I know, COS I SQUEEEEEAAAAALLLLL!!!!…

Nero: What an idiot.

[Jay Smash comes back]

Jay Smash: And another thing, Vince. There’s a guy from the league here, in the crowd. RIGHT HERE! [the crowd gasps as Nero gulps] I should know who, CAUSE I SQUEAL! And its [he’s knocked unconscious by one of the black suited men who drag him backstage.]

Vince: Hmm interesting. Well since we can’t tell who it is, I guess we’ll have to find out who it is, we’ll have to search and destroy from all of you. Because whoever it is…

[Nero looks tense.]

Vince: Wherever he is…he shall feel the wrath of VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON!

Nero: [terrified] It isn’t me!


Nero: Umm, not me.


Doom: It was actually the one in the front row with the moustache who interrupted.

Vince: Fine yes, YOU! The rather striking guy in the moustache.

Nero: [to camera] Does he need a style check.

Vince: Come here on stage and let’s see if you’re not a league member in disguise.

Nero: Uh, okay…[gets up on stage and at the podium, meanwhile Vince sits next to Holocaust.] FELLOW filthy low-standard WRESTLERS!!! I would just like to say, if I was a member of the League of Extraordinary Wrestlers, more specifically, The Great and Almighty Nero, WHICH IM NOT!!! HUH HUH HUHHH!! I would say something like, oh I dunno, DIE VINCE MCMAHON, DIE HOLOCAUST!!! DIE YOU PATHETIC PAUL GOON, DIE!!! FEEL MY WRATH, FEEL IT! CAN YOU FEEL IT, HUH HUH HUH!!! AND ANOTHER THING, IF THEY WANNA SEND A MAN ON THE MOON, WHY CANT THEY JUST LEAVE HIM THERE?!

Vince: Hmmm, yes. Quite a perplexing mystery. Just like that other one. Holocaust, did you know that Clark Kent is actually Superman??

Holocaust: Uhhhh…

Vince: Think about it. They’re never at the same room at the same time….

Holocaust: But Vince…

Vince: Be quiet! I’m onto something.

[Just then, a person brings a huge cake on the stage in a trolley.]

Nero: WOW! That’s a big cake!

Vince: Well, what have we here? I guess we can all take a little break and after which, we’ll get down to some serious talent searching. We’ll find the league member along the way. In the meantime, let’s enjoy this fabulous cake. Oh and during the break, if any of you suspect someone to be a league member, tell me or Mr. Holocaust or Mr. Doom immediately. If I find any one of you that’s keeping a secret, you’ll be sorry you did. For I am Vincent Kennedy McMahon! I OWN WRESTLING! I KILLED TED TURNER! No superstar has had the guts to stand up to me. Not Hogan, Not Austin, Not Foley, Not even The Undertaker…

[Just then the cake lid pops open but instead of the league, Randy Orton comes out and does his trademark pose.]

Randy: YOU’RE MINE TAKER…AW CRAP! That idiot Kane brought me in the wrong hall!!!

Nero: What the f–?


[On cue, the league barge in through the auditorium door and get on the stage.]

Nero: What the hell is going on here? And what took you guys so long?!

Taylor: Well, Orton stole the cake. And besides, you told us to wait till Vince said his line.

Nero: Alright then, Orton. What took YOU so long?!

Randy: I was waiting for someone to say “The Undertaker.” Besides, I’m Randy Orton. So sue me!

Nero: How could Orton possibly steal the cake? Alucard was guarding it wasn’t he?

Alucard: To tell you the truth Nero, I could care less about that infernal cake!

Classy: [sees his cake ruined] My beautiful cake! You’ll pay for this Orton!

Randy: Who the hell said that? Hey wait! You’re not that legendary unnoticeable guy, are you?

Classy: Me? Legendary? WOW! Oh wait…

[Randy listens intently for Classy’s voice source and RKO’s Classy]

Nero: You know you made up that whole ‘legendary’ unnoticeable guy crap, didn’t you?

Randy: You’re annoying me dude! I could RKO you too you know…

Nero: That’s actually my move pretty boy. And it’s called the Buzzcutter. RKO, PUH-lease!

Randy: On second thought…

[Randy then promptly RKO’s Nero, whose glasses and moustache comes off with the impact.]

Randy: BAM! And I could RKO you too [points at Alucard] but hey wait, Kane warned me about you!

Alucard: I’m sure he did in another backstage altercation. You do realize he sexually assaulted Lita like that too.

Randy: Uh yeah, now that you mention it. Oh well, later. [Randy leaves]

Nero: [still down] Damn! My…entertaining….wrestling career…is over.

Taylor: Nah! You’re just saying that to make everyone feel happy.

Nero: Seriously, my time…is running…out.

Taylor: Oh really, my watch must be slow.

Vince: OH MY GOD! It’s Nero! It was Nero all along!

Holocaust: [sarcastically] Yes, the fake moustache and glasses had all of us fooled.

Nero: [getting up] Now wait just a minute. I may look like The Great and Almighty Nero…

Taylor: Poor guy.

Nero: …but there is no way you can prove that I’m Nero. Face it; you’ll need concrete evidence to prove I’m Nero.

[Just then, Jay Smash comes on stage.]


Doom: The Squealer’s word is concrete evidence enough.

Vince: Indeed.

Nero: I’m gonna get you squealer, I’m gonna get you bad!



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